Are you disgusted by humanity? Do you find human contact repulsive? Are other people, in a very Sartrean sense, hell? Then you need the Gluvi.
While the vast majority of humanity writhes in its own excrement, the Gluvi will allow you, the chosen one, to knock the hotel remote off the bed without fear. The Gluvi is, in fact, a remote control condom. To use it you don your own pair of gloves, slide it on, and then press the buttons with a pencil. Then you get on the computer “to check email” and end up surfing to that weird site you like, the one with the midgets, and you furtively pleasure yourself while crying, trying all the while to imagine your grandma is watching you, just like they said you should in that self-help book you read on the plane, but it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because grandma turns away and you’re forced to take the dark supernova of pleasure and twist it into pain. You’re a very successful person, you tell yourself, you’re happy in life. Your furniture isn’t Ikea. It’s mostly West Elm. You have a home to go back to after you make this sales call in Kansas City but these swine won’t let up. They give you dirty everything. Everything. Dirty door knobs, dirty bedsheets. People can come into your cold room and steal you and your things. People break in. There’s SARS, here, there are loathsome, diseased sub-humans who purport to take your luggage up to your room and proceed to spread their horrible seed on the canvas of your overnight luggage.
And, as you fight the urge to scream, to burn this whole place down, you can grab the remote – fearlessly, mind you, thanks to Gluvi – and turn on MSNBC and the urge falters and flickers out, like a broken fluorescent. And then you’ll sleep. Goodnight swine. Goodnight voices. Goodnight swine.
I knew when I got to the Neighborhood watch meeting last week, that guy from down on the corner was talking about me again. I saw him outside, standing next to his car. Of course I take security a little more seriously then the rest of the people who just like to *say* that are protecting our neighborhood. Next time though, I’ll be able to hear him. I just bought the new Spy Monocular & Long Range Sound Recorder.