While the vast majority of humanity writhes in its own excrement, the Gluvi will allow you, the chosen one, to knock the hotel remote off the bed without fear. The Gluvi is, in fact, a remote control condom. To use it you don your own pair of gloves, slide it on, and then press the buttons with a pencil. Then you get on the computer “to check email” and end up surfing to that weird site you like, the one with the midgets, and you furtively pleasure yourself while crying, trying all the while to imagine your grandma is watching you, just like they said you should in that self-help book you read on the plane, but it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because grandma turns away and you’re forced to take the dark supernova of pleasure and twist it into pain. You’re a very successful person, you tell yourself, you’re happy in life. Your furniture isn’t Ikea. It’s mostly West Elm. You have a home to go back to after you make this sales call in Kansas City but these swine won’t let up. They give you dirty everything. Everything. Dirty door knobs, dirty bedsheets. People can come into your cold room and steal you and your things. People break in. There’s SARS, here, there are loathsome, diseased sub-humans who purport to take your luggage up to your room and proceed to spread their horrible seed on the canvas of your overnight luggage.

And, as you fight the urge to scream, to burn this whole place down, you can grab the remote – fearlessly, mind you, thanks to Gluvi – and turn on MSNBC and the urge falters and flickers out, like a broken fluorescent. And then you’ll sleep. Goodnight swine. Goodnight voices. Goodnight swine.

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I know that jerk was talking about me. I know it. And if he thinks he’s going to get away with this, he’s in for a rude awakening. I know he’s been talking to the watch leader. Excessive use of force. Those damn kids in their hoodies deserved everything they got. Besides, I used a bag of oranges, not a pillowcase full of door knobs.. yet.

I’ll fix him next time. I’ll be watching and recording using the new 8x monocular with a parabolic dish from Brando. I even got a great deal on it, $44.00 plus shipping.