I used to think “sexual enhancement” just meant “sex toys.” That is, until I started exploring the wonderful—and sometimes utterly weird—world of mechanical and electronic sex augmentations. Here’s what’s happening now and what will happen soon.

As you’ll see, existing innovations take our tongues, fingers, vulvas and penises to the next level. But the future of sex augmentations appears to lie in biometrics and in networking. Soon toys will learn from and interact with our bodies’ responses, with or without a partner, while teledildonics will help people separated by vast distances get closer (and wetter).

Tongue, Extended
Whoever made women’s genitals certainly made them tricky to stimulate—especially orally. Enter the Tongue Joy, a vibrating tongue enhancement to help human tongues do what no human can in terms of sensation and endurance. Strap the silicone-banded vibe on your tongue (or, if your tongue is pierced, use the barbell piercing attachment) and proceed with awesome. It’s battery operated and comes with multiple band sizes in case you want to strap it around something bigger. Four silicone sleeve attachments enhance the size and texture of the vibrating yummy-ness. Lovely for oral sex on a man, too, particularly those who are into hummers that aren’t cars.

Bionic Fingers
The vibrating three-finger power pack and glove by Fukuoku enhance the size and function of one’s digits, transforming your fingers into vibrators that run at up to 45,000 vpm (that would be vibes per minute). They’re more particularly cyborgy than most sex toys, if that’s your thing. (Ahem, Malebots subscribers!)

Unnatural Male Enhancement
The Ride On (pun intended) blows most penis extenders (pun not intended) out of the water. It’s more comfortable, less bulky and stays on in more positions than other models—all while fulfilling its purpose of enhancing the size and function of a man’s penis. Function? Yes. Some men use these not for length or girth but to keep having sex during half time. Available from Vixens Creations, the Ride On gets men around that annoying “refractory period” that is the curse of many a man’s sexistence. It’s also useful for men with severe or chronic erectile dysfunction (ED) who want in.

Electronic Condoms?
Given the perception that condoms may reduce sensation, sex-loving scientists have been proposing vibrating condom designs since at least the 1990s. Given the enormous improvements in vibrators since then, it’s unclear what a vibrating condom—if ever brought to market—would ultimately look like. Will it have an awkward external wire and power pack like the one in this 1995 patent image? (Here’s a PDF of the actual patent.) Or will it be built into the condom itself, as thin as a BandAid, as in my dreams? The design will have to depend on functionality: The vagina is not as sensitive as a woman’s vulva (clitoris, labia, etc) so the value of a vibrating shaft may be more for a man than his partner. That is, unless it vibrates at the base by a woman’s vaginal opening or clitoris, like the Trojan Vibrating Ring or the Bo—a favorite.

The Hydraulic Penis
As potentially borgy as it is, this pre-Viagra augmentation is for now only available for men with ED that is unlikely to respond to medication or sex therapy. This type of penile implant lets men pump themselves into an erect state whenever they want—note that pump in the scrotum—and deflate on command. There’s none of those scary erections lasting longer than 4 hours that we hear about in commercials starring Bob Dole. Though many men may dream of having this much control over their erections, the ones who use this do it as a last resort. Once it’s been in use for a while, some men lose their natural erectile reflex because their body no longer has to work at it. Moral of the story: Enjoy what you’ve got.

Hymen Again
Fake hymens give the illusion that one is going where no man has gone before. One option is a hymenoplasty—a surgical procedure that “restores” a woman’s hymen. This is done only rarely in the US, but is performed increasingly in other countries, often for women who who feel they need to prove their virginity to their fiancé or his family lest they risk shame or, scarily, even violence. Sometimes, the operation is requested by women who want to give their partner the “gift” of taking their virginity, like as an anniversary gift (for serious—and to think I’d go with golf clubs or a Garmin).

There is a mail-order product that a woman places inside her vagina which simulates the loss of virginity, fake blood and all. Gigimo’s Artificial Virginity Hymen, has come under fire by some Egyptian politicians, who even called for a ban on it. Meanwhile, women everywhere are still calling for an end to practices that insist they “prove” their virginity to anyone or anything. On a different note, a quick word to Gigimo: When you write that you can “have your first night back anytime,” does that include the awkward fumbling, 20-second staying power, and the two weeks of worrying about being pregnant?

Biometrics: Gadgets That Get You
I’ve seen (dreamed?) the future of sex toys and It. Is. Awesome. Ideas are swirling about how to create sex toys that rely on digital biometrics. No, we’re not talking fingerprint-activated toys that prevent women’s husbands from getting curious when they’re home alone. We’re talking about products that respond to vaginal temperature, pelvic contractions leading up to orgasm, heart rate, even pelvic blood flow. Sexual Aids of the Future may be able to learn a person’s sexual response and alter stimulation patterns based on the data.

Maybe there will eventually be a gadget that will help men to last longer (so long, baseball!) or women to come more quickly. Maybe it will build sexual tension in such a lovely way that pleasure and orgasm are on the “better than average” side of the mountain more often than not. The technology is there, the ideas are there, all it takes is execution, I’m betting sooner rather than later. When the day of biometrically enhanced stimulation comes, I guarantee we will wake ‘n gadget with more than our iPhones.

Teledildonics: Long-Distance Yearning
Though most sex toys enhance in-person play, some toys facilitate sex between people across the miles. Take the PenisTron, for example, which looks and probably feels (thanks to vacuum effects) like a Fleshlight version of a vagina—and it can be controlled, tightened or slowed to a seductive drag by a man’s partner out in the ether to simulate the two of them having sex.

There’s also the Communication Hole Rider (which involves vacuum effects) and the Joystick (vacuum effects on the penis and a joystick up the butt)—all which can help to connect two people for interactive sex play.

It’s not sex with a toy; it’s sex with a person via a toy: Big difference. Sure, you miss out on the kissing. (The mostly male sex toy designers never seem to create toys that make out with you, except for some freaky robot girlfriends.) On the other hand, there’s no risk for infection or pregnancy when you’re doing it teledildonically.

My dream for teledildonics is that we eventually fine tune toys to produce more variety and transitions. IRL sex tends to move, for example, from sucking (vacuum effects) to licking (hey there, Sqweel) to mouth kissing (freaky robot girlfriend) to intercourse (vacuum again) to hand play (toned down version of the Fukuako glove) or whatever else you’re into (furniture play?). And if it were me playing with a partner over the internet I’d want to touch, to kiss, to lick, to play in varied teasing ways—not just yank their junk with the PenisTron (though it’s a good start). Who’s with me?

Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.

This week, Gizmodo is exploring the enhanced human future in a segment we call This Cyborg Life. It’s about what happens when we treat our body less as a sacred object and more as what it is: Nature’s ultimate machine.

Let’s take our minds off all this nasty Google Voice business for a minute, and focus on the apps that we do have. Google may not make an appearance this week, but how about Wikipedia? NPR? The Discovery Channel? Simplify?

NPR News: The unaffiliated Public Radio Player was great great great, but this is somehow better. It brings twice as many stations, adds written news content along with offline reading, on-demand NPR shows and a surprisingly navigable interface. Guiltily free, since you don’t even have to sit through pledge drives.

Wikipedia: I just assumed this app already existed, but Wikipedia somehow didn’t have an app until this week. Weird! It’s sort of a website-wrapped-in-an-app snooze for now, though it’s open source and Wikipedia would very much like you to help make it into something decent, that people might actually want. Free, and quite.

Fluent News (Update): A personal favorite news aggregator of mine, Fluent now supports Google News-style searches across sources and emailing from within the app. The search feature is more useful than it might sound, especially if you want to dig right into a news story right after hearing about it. Free.

WHOA: You know Telephone, the group game where you pass a complicated, whispered message around a circle of people until it turns into something about penises, usually? This is that, with writing and drawing, on the iPhone. Here’s what you do: You write a word, the next person draws it, the next person writes what he thinks the drawing is, and so on. A dollar.

Aha: Crowd-sourced traffic, with a big-buttoned, simple interface intent on not causing you crash into other people. It’ll let you see how traffic is on your preferred driving routes based on input from its users, who can literally yell at their iPhones to record short voice messages about how bad (or awesome, I guess) the roads are. It’s only available in a few cities for the time being, but the concept is promising, as are the early reviews.

Discovery Channel: Better than your average dedicated station or publication app, though it follows the same concept: This is video, audio, photo and text content from the Discovery Channel, home of Mythbusters and LOTS OF SHARKS, in a nice little packaged news-style app. No full show episodes—gotta buy those in iTunes—but lots of decent clips and plenty of meat for DC nerds, if there is such a thing.

Simplify Photo: Simplify’s other app lets you listen to your home music library from anywhere with a sort of zero-setup server app, and it’s absolutely indispensable. This one does the same thing for photos, letting you access your entire home photo library wherever you are, without taking up much space on your iPhone’s dinky drive. The experience is surprisingly seamless considering how much it depends on the iPhone’s data connection, and the app is only a dollar.

This Week’s App News On Giz

• You Can’t Read the Good Part of Google’s FCC Response

• Apple and AT&T Answer FCC About Google Voice Rejection: It’s All Apple

• App Store Approval Process Slowly Getting Less Horrendous?

• iPhone’s Sonar Ruler App Measures Distance Using Sound

• Native Twitter Location Data Means More Stalker Power With Every Tweet

• Blow Virtual Kisses with Happy Dangy Diggy

• i.TV iPhone App Grows a Remote Control Framework, TiVo Gives It a Whirl

• Apple Exec Phil Schiller Reaching Out to Rejected App Developers

This list is in no way definitive. If you’ve spotted a great app that hit the store this week, give us a heads up or, better yet, your firsthand impressions in the comments. And for even more apps: see our previous weekly roundups here, and check out our Favorite iPhone Apps Directory and our original iPhone App Review Marathon. Have a swell weekend everybody.

Getting porn as a kid in the ’70s was hard. You had to be part 007, part Pee Wee Herrman and part Rocky (specifically, the meat beating training scene). In short, there was no internet. How’d they do it?

They had their ways. Although old-timers may tell you they had to wank uphill both ways in the snow, there was porn to be had. It might not have been great porn, but mankind got off before there even was porn.

The only odd part about many of these methods is that you had to interact with somebody to get your porn. An oddity in today’s one-man private show in front of the computer.

Gizmodo ’79 is a week-long celebration of gadgets and geekdom 30 years ago, as the analog age gave way to the digital, and most of our favorite toys were just being born.

Thanks to Noobs-R-Us in sparking the idea for this post

Sneaking into porn theaters. Yeah, there were porn theaters. These looked like regular theaters on the outside, but on the inside there were many, many more penises and vaginas. If you were underage but clever, you could somehow sneak into the theater via an older brother, a friend working at the theater or a fake mustache.

Of course, once you were inside and watching the movie, you still had to hold it until you got home. Despite it being a communal function, it was still generally frowned upon to pull one out while other dudes were sitting next to you.

Porn quality: 10
Privacy: 5

Using lingerie and clothing catalogs: Various women’s undergarment catalogs like JC Penney provided ample material for the youngsters of the 70s. What they lacked in actual nudity they made up for in quality of models (sometimes).

Although guys (especially young ones) had easier access to these catalogs than more mature fare like Playboy or Penthouse, it was just as hard to explain away why they had one of these stashed under your bed. The excuse of shopping for a birthday/Christmas/Hanukkah present would be tenuous at best.

But, the fact that the models had most of their clothing on provided a great imagination-building exercise that strengthened minds for the future. This explains why movies today are just uninspired rehashes of what we already saw in the ’80s.

Porn quality: 3.5
Privacy: 8

Image credit

Mental spank bank: The ultimate in bare-bones beating, this required you to be ultra-vigilant during your day in order to store images for later use. Trips to the beach, the department store changing room, the food court at the mall, the post office, the pool, the dentist’s office, the Grand Canyon and the polling booth could all obtain lucrative deposits for your bank.

The downside, of course, is that this relied solely on your memory. So any errant noise or smell could interfere with the delicate recollection process, making an already longer-than-usual activity take even longer.

But, the fact that you can do this anywhere, in any position, trained you well for life down the road. If you can squeeze one out standing up in the shower, lying down in bed, squatting in the woods, kneeling in your neighbor’s bushes or face down in your backyard, you could literally squeeze one out anywhere. At work, during your lunchbreak? No problem. At night, while you were visiting grandma’s smelly apartment? Cake. In the car, waiting for your old lady to pick up the dry cleaning? Done and done.

Porn quality: 0-3 (Depending on how well your imagination worked)
Privacy: 10

Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler: As a teen, you may not have legally been able to get these magazines, but when has that problem stopped any kid from getting anything? You could bribe the guy at the corner store, swipe your dad’s when he wasn’t looking, borrow one from your friends, ask your older brother to buy one for you, or just plain steal one.

Although the more commonly available magazines didn’t show hardcore penetration, it was usually enough for kids in the ’70s to get the job done. If you somehow froze that same kid in 1979, unfroze him in 2009 and showed him YouPorn, he would simultaneously masturbate while holding up his other hand to shield his eyes in disgust. It’s a new world, my friends.

Porn quality: 7
Privacy: 3

Nude scenes on TV: Before VHS (or Betamax) became common, people had to stick to their programming schedules. As Adam Carolla (a man who was alive and masturbating during the ’70s) says, they had to time their diddling sessions in accordance to whatever movie was airing.

If something had a nude scene 57 minutes into the film and started at 11:00 PM, you would do the mental calculations and turn on the TV at 12:25 (accounting for commercials) and see maybe a boob and a half. That would have to last you for a week and a half.

Porn quality: 3
Privacy: 2