Apple’s lawsuit against HTC made one thing clear: Steve. Jobs. Will. Cut You. And with all the patents they’ve got? Nobody’s safe. Here’s who’s next on the subpoena warpath:

Patent #8,567,301: A Process to Cryogenically Microbead Pasteurized Dairy
Defendant: Dippin’ Dots

Patent #5,475,939: Inexpensive Self-Assembled Home Furnishings With Names That Sound Like Lesser Norse Gods
Defendant: Ikea

Patent #6,374,752: Constructing an Opulent Hyper-Futuristic City Without Having the Resources to Maintain It
Defendant: Dubai

Patent #3,405,356: Music Composition Utilizing Three Chords In Sequence and Repetitive Anti-Establishment Lyrics
Defendants: Joey Ramone; Iggy Pop; Johnny Rotten; et al

Patent #2,366,291: How a Bill Becomes a Law
Defendants: Congressional and Executive Branches of US Government; “School House Rock”

Patent #4,769,002: Placing “I” Before “E” (Excepting Those Occasions In Which Preceded By “C” Or When Phonetically Comparable to “A”)
Defendants: Strunk and White; My Third Grade Homeroom Teacher; the English Language

Patent #9,753,482: Achieving Fame Despite Lack of Discernable Talent or Drive
Defendants: Paris Hilton, Spencer Pratt, the Cast of “Tool Academy,” et al

Patent #1,749,682: Dogs
Defendants: Dogs

You’ve probably heard about the school district that installed spy software on laptops issued to its students so they could spy on them without their knowledge. Creepy! Well, here’s a peek at the principal who came up with the idea.

The other fellow in the video is DC Pierson, of Derrick Comedy fame. He has a new book out called The Boy Who Couldn’t Sleep and Never Had To. It’s awesome and you should check it out. He also co-wrote and co-stars in the new movie Mystery Team, which he made with the Derrick Comedy folks. That is also very much worth checking out! So do it!

Do you make new year’s resolutions? If so, you should avoid the following products. Your chance for success in 2010 would be over before it began.

Losing Weight: Sorry, but your diet is blown sky high when you carry around a briefcase full of sausage—as is your resolution about not having heart attacks in 2010. [Link]
Get More Enjoyment Out of Life: Unfortunately, if you purchase any one of the gadgets on our list of the 50 (+10) worst gadgets of the decade, the chances of leading a more joyful life are significantly reduced.
Get On a Budget and Save Money: If you want to save more money in the upcoming year, you should probably steer clear of impulse Back to the Future Delorean replica purchases on eBay—no matter how insanely detailed they might be. [Jalopnik]
Get a Promotion: Forget a promotion, you will be completely unemployable if you decide to bust out the office babe score cards. [Smutty Gifts]
Stop Drinking So Much: After New Year’s Eve, I’m going to cut down on the alcohol—and this time, I mean it. Unfortunately, that goal is going to be a lot harder to achieve with a booze-loading shotgun lying around. [Giftlab]

And if you plan on going out tonight and getting completely hammered, make sure to check out our PSA on the dangers of mixing alcohol and gadgets. You’ve been warned.

Meet a Nice Woman: If you go around wearing a shredder hoodie everywhere, 2010 probably isn’t going to be the year you get lucky in love. ['80s Tees via Link]
Stop Smoking So Much: Cigarette smoking is one thing, but using the Volcano Vaporizer for the purpose in which it was intended is quite another. Instead of smoke, you inhale vapor, which eliminates many of the toxins but retains all of the flavors and mind numbing effects. Sounds great, but this little guy simultaneously puts four new year’s resolutions in jeopardy: get organized, learn something new, get promoted or find a new job, and establish a budget (it costs $500). [Volcano Vaporizer via Link]

Like me, you will probably unwind over the holidays and have a few drinks at a party with friends (or alone while crying in the dark). Just keep these tragic stories about mixing gadgets and booze in mind.

Last year Whitehall, NY resident Leslie J. “Bomber” Marr was arrested and charged with felony DWI and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle for driving a Cruzin’ Cooler while intoxicated. Who could have seen that coming? [Link]
18-year-old James N. P. Miller, of Cincinnati passed into ironic infamy this past Halloween when he was busted for DWI while wearing a breathalyzer costume. [Link]
Big Brother is always watching, and if you happen to be ridiculously drunk while you stumble into a convenience store, chances are the video of the incident is going to spread across the internet like wildfire.
Take note: your ability to evade the police in your car diminishes greatly when you are intoxicated. Case in point, the 18-year old girl in Jackson, Michigan that was chased down and busted by a cop on a Segway. [Link]
Like I said earlier, Big Brother is always watching. And there isn’t a better candidate for the role of Big Brother than Google. If you happen to be an Australian man passed out drunk on your lawn, the StreetView car will be waiting, ready to pounce. [Link]
Excessive drinking impairs judgement and can result in mood swings. Take 22-year old David Robinson for example. Last month he was charged in Perth, Scotland with breaching the peace after he threatened passersby and challenged a lamp post to a fight. [STV]
Be careful where you pass out. Crawling into an industrial garbage bin is not recommended, as Brighton UK resident Scott Williams found out one fateful July morning when the contents of the bin were crushed by a garbage truck. [Link]
Be careful of who you pass out around. Not only did 19-year old Huang Chen wake up with a hangover and a severe case of butt remote, he also learned that his friends are dicks. [Link]